


Inspector Morse: Not a Review

by daisynorbury



Category: Inspector Morse (TV)
Genre: Attempted Sexual Assault, Criticism, Daisy's epic Morse re-watch, Gen, Meta, Other, Spoilers, non-fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-19 17:41:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17006178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisynorbury/pseuds/daisynorbury
Summary: I'm re-watching all of Inspector Morse for the first time in aaaages and writing about it as I go.





	1. The Dead of Jericho

**Author's Note:**

> A while back some of my morseverse friends and I came to the conclusion that “noggin” is very definitely a word that Robbie Lewis would use. But did he in the filmed canon? None of us could remember him doing so in _Lewis_ , and it’s been so long since I saw _Inspector Morse_ that I certainly couldn’t say. (And I wasn't prepared to read the novels just to find that one word.) “What better excuse”, I thought, “Could there be for me to finally embark upon that Epic Morse Re-watch which I’ve been considering for years?” None, that’s what. Between then and now I searched the [Inspector Morse Episodes Scripts website](https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/episode_scripts.php?tv-show=inspector-morse-1987) for the word with no luck, but by then I’d already decided the re-watch was a go. So my hopes for “noggin” are low indeed, but I don’t care. It’ll still be fun. 
> 
> (Update: later I read the novel _The Dead of Jericho_ and discovered that Lewis did, in fact, use the word in that story, but he meant it in the sense of "cup" rather than "head".)
> 
>  _Inspector Morse_ came to American television when I was 13 or 14, and I watched it avidly throughout adolescence. When I went away to college I mostly lost touch with it so my memories of the mid-nineties stories are dim. I’m not even 100% certain I’ve seen every episode, and even for those that I have - barring a select few that I re-watched in the past few years -- it’s been quite a long time. In most cases I’ve completely forgotten the solution to the mystery. 
> 
> This began life on tumblr, but we all know what happened there, so over to Ao3 it is. I feel odd putting stuff here that isn't fic, but someone reminded me that Ao3 is for _all_ kinds of fanworks, and a) that's definitely what this is, b) it had a small-but-growing audience on tumblr, and c) I'm having a lot of fun doing it, so I didn't want it to die.

**Deaths:** 2

 **Pints drunk on screen by Morse:** 3: 1 with Anne Stavely, 2 with Lewis.

 **Named pubs:** The White Horse, Bookbinders Arms

 **Favorite music:** Vivaldi’s _[Gloria](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdTY22qUaNc)_

 **Morse’s Woman of the week:** He tried to date Anne Stavely but didn’t get far.

 **Morse’s Wacky Theory of the week:** _Sophocles did it._ He theorized that the suicide killed herself because she found out that the man who impregnated her was the son she’d given up for adoption twenty years before. Turned out to be wrong.

 **Drug of the week:** Heroin

 **Colin Dexter cameo:** He walks quickly down a cloister in the opposite direction from Morse. Morse turns to watch him for a moment.

 **Guest stars:** Gemma Jones ( _Sense and Sensibility, Wilde, the Winslow Boy, God’s Own Country_ ) and Patrick Troughton (the Second Doctor in _Dr Who_ )

 **80s fashion:** 1\. Ned’s jumper knotted around his shoulders by the sleeves. 2. Adele Richards’ giant fuckoff shoulder pads.

 **Signs of the 80s Times:**  
**1:** _Anne:_ "I had you down for… well. Anything other than a policeman."  
_Morse:_ "I hope that doesn’t stand against me."  
_Anne:_ "No, why should it? Of course not. In what sense?"

 **2:** Listening in on other people’s phone conversations by picking up another phone in the same house.

 **Morse being Morse:** (to Lewis) "You’re one of those people who has breakfast, aren’t you?"

 **Lewis being Lewis:** (to Morse) "Now you just hold on a minute, sir."

 **Jim Strange’s character-exposition of Morse, disguised as reasons why Morse didn’t get the CS job:** "You’re a clever sod but you don’t say the right things to the right people and you never will. It doesn’t bother me but it doesn’t do you any good."

 **Prototypical Max DeBryn sass:** "My job, sir, is to certify death where it has occurred and to ascertain- where possible- the physical causes."

 **It Begins:** _The name:_  
_Anne:_ "What do your friends call you?"  
_Morse:_ "Morse."

 **Morse & Lewis relationship exposition:**  
_Morse:_ "Lewis, Sophocles died two-and-a-half thousand years ago."  
_Lewis:_ "So what’re you doin’? Are you just raggin’ me or what?"  
_Morse:_ "No…"  
_Lewis:_ "You are, aren’t you? Look, okay, I don’t know who this bloke is. Am I supposed to? At least I can survive a half hour’s work without reachin’ for a beer glass."  
_Morse:_ "That’s a good idea, Lewis! We still haven’t celebrated your birthday. Come on, and I’ll tell you why I’m deadly serious about Sophocles."

 **Robbie’s birthday:** late June. ‘round about the 25th?

 **Number of times Lewis mentions his wife/kids/family:** 2

 **Unexplained spooky thing:** An empty swimming pool. Why is the swimming pool empty? We will never know.

 **The Sad Men:** Lewis asks Morse: "D’you want cheering up?"

 **Queer stuff:** Ned is coded as gay: His rooms feature two different posters of James Dean; when Morse asks Ned’s roommate if Ned has a girlfriend, Roommate scoffs; When Morse asks Ned later in the episode if Anne had been carrying Ned’s child Ned replies: “I don’t think that’s possible, Inspector. I don’t have relationships with women.”

 **Bonus:** Robbie’s accent is noticeably stronger in this first episode than it is in _Lewis._

 **Noggin count:** Zero.


	2. The Silent World of Nicholas Quinn

**Deaths:** 2 (both murder)

 **Colin Dexter cameo:** The first scene, as a guest at the Foreign Examinations Syndicate drinks party.

 **Guest stars:** Michael Gough, who was everyone in everything, including Batman’s Alfred. Also: evidently Phil Nice and Philip Glenister are different people, but you could have fooled me. I mean you definitely did fool me. I was dead certain Nicholas Quinn was a young Glenister. Nope. 

**Favorite music:** In the scene where Lewis follows Roope on his suspicious walk through Oxford, the music is very reminiscent of the main theme in _My Beautiful Laundrette._ Which I liked, though Pheloung’s Morse theme is still best.

 **Morse & Lewis relationship exposition, by which I mean: Excellent Robbie sass:**  
_Morse:_ "Who's this bloke who found him?"  
_Lewis:_ "Mister Martin, Sir. One of his chums from the Foreign whatsit."  
_Morse:_ "Chums, Lewis? You know Morse’s Law: ‘There’s always a 50-50 chance that the man who found the body did the deed.'"  
_Lewis:_ "Well, I was gonna arrest him on the sport, Sir, but I thought I’d let you have the pleasure."

 **Drug of the week:** Alcohol. Not only was poisoned sherry one of the murder weapons, everyone’s drinking all the time in this ep. Much booze.

 **Morse being Morse:** "I always drink at lunchtime. It helps my imagination."

 **Lewis being Lewis:** "I wish I had time to read books."

**It Begins:** _1\. The crosswords: _“Bloody Daedalus!”__

_2\. The squeamishness:_ Max to Morse: “I emptied his pockets for you, Morse, knowing your… sensitivity.”

 _3\. Robbie buys the pints:_ After they sampled some sherry and found it lacking, they went to a pub for beer, which Robbie bought. The pints were 99p each each, and he made a face that looked like surprised indignation. I guess that was spendy for ‘87? Morse downed over half of his in one go.

 **It continues:** _The name:_  
"If you’re going to call me Monica, what should I call you?"  
"Morse. Everyone just calls me Morse."

 **Morse's Woman of the Week:** None, unless we count him giving a shaken and shocky Monica a comfort hug, which we shouldn’t.

**The sad men:**  
_Monica:_ "At what age did you marry, then?"  
_Morse:_ "I didn’t."  
_Monica:_ "Very wise."  
_Morse:_ "I don’t always think so."

 **The Let’s just agree to ignore how silly this is, shall we?:** There are stacks of papers in Quinn’s desk in his office, but the very first two letters that Morse picks up have stonking great clues on them. Which are obscure and not obvious at all and Morse interprets them correctly the first time.

 **80 fashion:** 1\. Those weird crocheted neckties that I’d forgotten all about and have now been forced to remember again. BLAST! (When I was a teenager my elder brother had a pink one.)  
2\. Monica Height’s fabulous beige trenchcoat and short haircut.  
3\. Roope’s blazer/tie/jeans ensemble.  
4\. Richard Bartlett’s baggy white linen trousers. Very Miami Vice.

 **Signs of the 80s times:** 1\. Morse’s aged rotary phone.  
2\. Wow, check out that enormous electric typewriter.  
3\. “My doctor says I should lose some weight. Stop eating butter, start eating polyunsaturates, whatever they are.”

 **Weird 80s sexism:** 1\. “Cinema manageress” 2. This exchange:  
_Dean of Lonsdale College:_ "In the late twentieth century, Inspector, we’re obliged to give women equal status in the academic world."  
_Morse:_ "She seemed rather attractive, to me."

 **Weird 80s racism:** The very embarrassing “Sheik of Al-Jamari”.

 **Walking British stereotype of the week:** A groundskeeper with a broad west-country accent wearing a mac and an ill-fitting fair-isle jumper. Named Noakes.

 **Queer stuff:** Maybe Quinn was coded as gay? When Morse asked the Dean of Lonsdale if Quinn was attracted to Mrs. Height he responded “Quinn? Good god no, he wasn’t- “ and then abruptly cut off.

 **Number of times Lewis mentions his wife/kids/family:** 1\. Morse planned go see _Last Tango in Paris_ , but was disappointed to discover it had been changed to _101 Dalmations_. Whereupon Lewis exclaimed, “Great! I might pop home and fetch the wife and kids!” ROBBIE I LOVE YOU.

 **Named pubs:** The Horse and Trumpet

 **Pints drunk on screen by Morse:** 4\. One with a crossword, one with Monica, and two with Lewis. Over the second he denied that Morse’s law is something about “he who found the body mighta done the deed” and claims instead that “Morse’s law is ‘There’s always time for one more pint.’”

 **Such good Robbie content this ep:** 1\. Making a sneery face when obliged to drink sherry. 2. His astonished “No!” when Morse asks him if he’s ever seen Last Tango in Paris. 3. Sassing Morse all. the. time. 4. Kevin Whately was 36 and looked 24. 

**John Thaw eye-candy:** Morse washes his hair over his bathtub with the spray nozzle. *Indicates projection screen with long, pointy stick*: “Here we can see Inspector Morse in a blue vest, muscular arms very much in evidence. If you look closely you’ll see that the blue of his shirt does _not_ match the blue of his fuzzy toilet seat cover.” I should have included the fuzzy toilet seat cover in _Signs if the 80s times._ They were common, I assure you.

 **Noggin count:** Zero.


	3. Service of All the Dead

**Deaths:** 6\. Yes, _six:_ 4 murders, 1 suicide, and 1 accident. Maybe I won't move to Oxford.

 **Colin Dexter cameo:** Street passerby, talking to a woman with a bicycle, while Morse walks past with a priest.

 **Guest stars:** Gina McKee (You know: Diane Turnbull, who said in the _Lewis_ ep _Old School Ties_ that Robbie Lewis was her first boyfriend), Michael Hordern (who was everyone in everything but to me will always be Mr. Badger), and Judy Campbell (Noel Coward’s muse). 

**Favorite music:** Anton Bruckner's _[Locus Iste](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj49-BJwD8Y)_

 **Morse's Woman of the Week:** Ruth Rawlinson, prototype of the class. 

**Drug of the week:** Morphine.  
_Morse:_ "How do you get morphine, Max?"  
_Max:_ "I write myself a prescription and go to Boots."  
MAX I LOVE YOU.

 **Max being Max:** _Morse:_ "I’ll never understand these religious types."  
_Max:_ "That’s because you have no soul."

 **Lewis being Lewis:** _On the roof of St. Oswald’s:_ "There you go, Sir, fresh air! Magic. God, what a view! You can nearly see Scotland!" 

**Morse being Morse:** "I’m not supposing anything until I’ve had at least two pints of beer."

 **Pints _not_ drunk on screen by Morse:** Three. Three times he tries to drink, and each time a case-related thing puts him off.

 **Times Lewis mentions his wife/kids/family:** Zero. (I’m not ascribing meaning, I’m just keeping track out of curiosity.)

 **Named pubs:** The Green Man

 **80s fashion:** 1\. Ruth’s capacious, royal-blue shirtdress with the shoulder pads.  
2\. Robbie’s ja- Wait. Is that…? IS THAT A MEMBERS ONLY JACKET 

**Signs of the 80s times:** 1\. Ruth in the church office holding a big ol’ antennaed cordless phone in one hand and a landline receiver in the other.  
2\. Morse’s desk features both a transistor radio and a rolodex.

 **Weird 80s sexism:** Don’t even get me started. Jesus.

 **Creepy 80s classism combined with Walking British stereotype of the week:** The drunk, manipulative, Welsh “tramp” is called "Taffy", of all things? _Really?_

 **Queer stuff:** Hmm, tricky. Not so nice. This episode skirts dangerously close to implying that homosexual activity in childhood or adolescence could indicate the potential to abuse children in adulthood:

Morse becomes suspicious that one of their suspects was being blackmailed over his interest in boys, and tries to ask the suspect’s old schoolmaster (Starkey) about his time at school. Their exchange puts a surprising (to me) spin on a familiar phrase. When Americans say “Boys will be boys”, the standard implication is that boys can’t (or shouldn’t) be held accountable for their bad behavior, but here:

 _Starkey:_ "You don’t know if Lionel left anything to the school, do you? He wasn’t married, was he?"  
_Morse:_ "No. As a matter of fact, sir, boys will be boys- as you know better than anyone- and I was wondering-"  
_Starkey:_ "No, I’m glad to say that the school has always been singularly free of that sort of thing."  
_Morse:_ "All the same, sir-"  
_Starkey:_ "No there was never any suggestion of _that_ , with either of the boys, I can assure you."  
He then abruptly changes the subject.

It’s clear that they both know they’re talking about schoolboys fooling around with one another, and Starkey won’t even admit the possibility, at least not aloud.

 **It Continues:** _1\. The squeamishness._ Oh the face Morse makes when Max offers to show him the contents of the victim’s stomach.  
_2\. Lewis buys the pints._ “Your round, Lewis.”, “It’s always my round.”  
_3\. The Name._ “I can’t go on calling you ‘Inspector’. What’s your name?”, “Morse. People just call me Morse.” (We’re three for three now.)

 **It begins:** _The music snobbery:_  
_Morse:_ "I like music. Not church choirs so much, but-"  
_Ruth:_ "Jazz. Humphrey Lyttelton? George Melly?"  
_Morse, after a beat, with emphasis: "MU_ sic."

(Too much detail: Lyttleton and Melly used to tour with Acker Bilk, whom Robbie and Laura mention in the _Lewis_ episode _Dark Matter._ )

 _2\. The acrophobia:_ Morse and Lewis climb up to the roof of St. Oswald’s. Lewis delights in the beautiful view. Morse very much does not, and soon admits to a fear of heights.

 **Morse the comedian:**  
_Morse:_ "We didn’t look in the church vault, did we?"  
_Lewis:_ "This has gotta be it. It doesn’t look like anyone’s been down here for years. Want me to go first?"  
_Morse:_ "No, it’s all right, I’m not afraid of _depths."_

 **The Sad Men:** Oh where do I even begin? A small sample:  
“Night thoughts are bred of loneliness and depression. lgnore them.”  
“Chastity and continence. When have I ever had anything else?”

 **Bonus:** There’s a tiny moment, early on, as Max is going into St. Oswald’s to see the first body, where he stops in front of the one of the uniformed officers on the scene, puts a hand on his shoulder, steps very close (their foreheads are almost touching), and says something to him that we can’t hear. As he steps away into the church, the constable pats Max’s arm and laughs. What beautifully subtle character exposition. Max makes friends everywhere.

 **Noggin count:** Zero.


	4. The Wolvercote Tongue

**Deaths:** 4, but only one was pre-meditated murder.

 **Colin Dexter cameo:** In the pub, sitting behind Morse and Lewis and their pints.

 **Guest stars:** Simon Callow 

**Favorite music:** _Just a song at twilight_ , aka _[Love's Old Sweet Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viW5rT2duoc)_

**Morse's Woman of the Week:** I don’t think Sheila Williams counts as a MWoW. I’m starting to think that Women Crying on Morse’s Shoulder is just a Colin Dexter… motif.

 **Drug of the week:** Gin and tonic

 **Max being Max:**  
_Morse:_ “How long was he in the water?”  
_Max:_ “Oh I couldn’t possibly say.”  
_Morse:_ “Roughly.”  
_Max:_ “Well… not more than six hours.”  
_Morse:_ “Oh for god’s sake it’s less than six hours since _I_ saw him!”  
_Max:_ “Well there you are. You know better than me. _As usual._ ” 

**Peter Woodthorpe's impeccable line-delivery:**  
_Morse:_ “Could she have been pushed?”  
_Max:_ “She could have been… and an angel of God could have stepped out of the wardrobe and called her home; that is not for me to say. You’re the detective.”

 **Lewis being Lewis:** “Mrs. Brown says she went for a walk with him. Mr. Brown said he was takin’ a nap in the next door room while Mrs. Poindexter was droppin’ dead and this ‘tongue’ was gettin’ itself stolen.”

 **Morse being Morse:** “What we’ve got to do is to find out who Dr. Kemp’s new bit-of-the-other was. And the only person who asked that is the widow. She knew all about his hanky-panky, didn’t she?”

 **It Continues:** _1\. The music snobbery._ “Never, never interrupt me when I’m booking my seat for the opera, Lewis. I might get _Madame Butterfly_ instead of Berlioz. I might get *Handel*, for god’s sake!”  
_2\. Lewis buys the pints._ Morse begins his: “Mm. Well kept.” Lewis: “So it should be, at that price. God, it’s worse than London.”  
_3\. The Name._ “What’s your name? If I’m going to go on helping you with your inquiries I can’t keep calling you ‘Inspector’.” “Morse. Just Morse.” (4 for 4)

 **It begins:** _Morse, you colossal dickhead, wtf?_ Why was he giving Doctor Swain such a hard time? Not everyone can be Max.

 **Max the comedian:** “Three corpses in twenty hours. Are they paying me overtime?”

 **The Sad Men:** “They say sex can be very good for the over-65s. Hope for us all. Especially if we didn’t get much _before_ 65.”

 **Visual Parallels to _Lewis:_** Obviously I’m doing this backwards, but I’m far more familiar with _Lewis_ than I am with _Inspector Morse_ , and I’ve seen the full run of _Endeavour_ (5 series as I write) only once, so backwards it is.  
1\. In _Allegory of Love_ , Professor Jassim’s missing Persian mirror is discovered at the bottom of the river and raised up out of it in a diver’s fists. Rather like what happens to the wolvercote tongue.  
2\. When Morse joins Lewis at the railway museum in Didcot, they’re both carrying ice lollies. The scene cuts away to the tour group and when it cuts back Mr. Brown is telling them lots of details about their chief suspect, Eddie Poindexter. Morse’s lolly is gone (Robbie’s still eating his), but it’s irrelevant to the story and they never acknowledge it. It’s just fun set-dressing, and I assume people who’ve been to the railway museum get the joke. Anyway it reminded me of that scene in _Reputation_ when Robbie and Dr. Jekyll have an ice-lolly-enhanced walking conversation while she tells him lots of details about _his_ chief suspect, Danny Griffon.

****

**The Let’s just agree to ignore how silly this is, shall we?:** Why on earth does Mr. Brown know the details of the Poindexters’ financial situation?

 **Times Lewis mentions his wife/kids/family:** 8\. Yes, _eight,_ because of the running gag that Robbie’s working lots of overtime these days because of his domestic situation. Example:  
_Lewis:_ “I’m working all night tonight, sir. The wife’s decorating.”  
_Morse:_ “Well shouldn’t you be helping her?”  
_Lewis:_ “I did me back in last time painting the ceiling. I’d just as soon do the overtime and get a professional in.” 

**Morseverse continuity:** Robbie’s bad back. See: squash with James in _The Great and the Good_.

 **Pints drunk on screen by Morse:** 2, both in pubs with Lewis. Over the second they discussed reasons for nakedness.

 **Named pubs:** Chapters Cocktail Bar in the Randolph Hotel. Not sure that counts as a pub but it’s all I have. 

**80s fashion:** Sheila’s linebacker shoulder pads. I swear they grew three sizes over the course of the episode, like the Grinch’s heart on Christmas morning. 

**Signs of the 80s times:** 1\. “No, I don’t use plastic, I’ll send you a check.”  
2\. The hotel chambermaid took an aerobics class.  
3\. Lewis looking up Radio Taxis in the yellow pages.  
4\. Lucy Downes utters the sentence “I was having a salad” unprovoked and without apparent irony.  
5\. Morse’s office features push-button desk phones and an actual chalkboard.

 **Weird 80s sexism:** You know what? I’m scrapping this category. It depresses me and I don’t need that right now. You’ve seen the show; you know what I’m talking about. 

**Queer stuff:** Apart from casting Simon Callow as “the worst philanderer in Oxford”, none that I can see. Callow was out-as-gay even then, which was rare for the time. 

**Bonus:**  
1\. In general the American accents are good (I’ve heard far worse), but some of the syntax and stresses and word choices are suspiciously British. The effect is pretty hilarious, like li’l Insufferable American Know-It-All Mrs. Roscoe saying “I thought it most extraordin’ry!”  
2\. Hot damn Kevin Whately’s a fox, particularly when yawning.

 **Unclassified:** Lewis admits to never having been in the Ashmolean.

 **Noggin count:** Zero.


	5. Last Seen Wearing

**Deaths:** Only one! And it wasn’t even murder. *shock*

 **Colin Dexter cameo:** Walking across a college quad just after Lewis determined that Baines’ neighbor Martha saw a woman entering Baines’ house.

 **Guest stars:** Suzanne Bertish ( _Red Dwarf, Rome_ ), Liz Hurley ( _Austin Powers_ , 90s all-around It Girl), Julia Sawalha ( _AbFab_ )

 **Favorite music:** The second movement ([Adagio](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uF-cbqrqfUs)) of Mozart’s _Violin Concerto No. 1 in B flat_ , which plays over the opening credits while Morse reads Jude the Obscure.

 **Morse's Woman of the Week:** None

 **Drug of the week:** Cocaine

 **Morse & Lewis relationship expostion:**  
_Lewis:_ "The thing with you is, if someone tells you not to do something, you go right on and do it, don’t you?"  
_Morse:_ "I make it a rule."

 **Morse being Morse:**  
_Lewis:_ "I thought Acum was a nice bloke."  
_Morse:_ "Kiss of death saying that to me, Lewis. Makes me very suspicious. He goes straight to the top of my list."

 **Lewis being Lewis, by which I mean: relentlessly sensible:**  
_Morse:_ "My cousin is married to a woman twelve years younger than he is. Which means that when he was twenty, she was eight."  
_Lewis:_ "Did they know each other when she was eight?"

 **Max being Max:** "I could probably forge that handwriting, but then I’m not your average body in the street."

 **What a lyrical child CS Jim Strange must have been:** "If somebody asks for whiskey in a coffee mug I know about it before he’s even drunk it!"

 **Times Lewis mentions his wife/kids/family:** 1: “We wouldn’t mind our Louise goin’ to this school.”

What? WHO IS THIS LOUISE? I mean it’s probably safe to assume the production team just forgot Lyn ever had another name, or they decided to change it, but it’s kind of a shame. I mean “Louise Lewis” is imho just about the greatest name ever concocted. I hope her middle name was Lucille.

 **Pints drunk on screen by Morse:** 4: two with Max and two with Lewis.

 **Pints _not_ drunk on screen by Morse:** 1, because the barman had just called time.

 **It continues:**  
_1: Lewis buys the pints:_ Robbie tried to soften the blow of the barman just having called time by stopping at a supermarket for a six pack.

 _2: The crosswords:_ Lewis brings evidence into the office and Morse just carries on with his crossword. Dismissively.

 _3: Morse you colossal dickhead wtf:_ You. Forged a letter. From the missing teenager. Saying she didn’t want to come home. CHRIST.

 **It does not continue:** _The name!:_ This was the first episode with no variation on “Just call me Morse.” 4/5.

 **80s fashion:** Sheila Philipson’s perfect bob haircut. The Cravens’ zebra-striped sofas. John McGuire’s striped-tie-over-striped-shirt.

 _Me:_ Oh! Don’t think you won’t pay for your fashion crimes, good sir! Horrendous! You will pay!

 _Narrator:_ He did not pay.

 **Signs of the 80s times:** John Maguire’s pushbutton telephone. Morse watching a vhs tape of the missing person. Robbie’s giant, red, plastic coffee thermos. (I’d half forgotten thermoses looked like that.)

 **Queer stuff:** Well! *cracks knuckles in gleeful anticipation* Hurray lesbians! Or wlw, anyway. We don’t have any of Cheryl Baines’ personal testimony, but Sheila Philipson claimed that Baines “Didn’t go in for men”. And we _do_ have Julia Rawlsley’s personal testimony, and she came right out and told Morse she was in love with Baines. And at least two of Julia’s classmates were aware, and clearly supportive.

 **Bonus:** The scene where Morse and Lewis discuss the case while Morse does his shopping. Including: a bottle of scotch, a box of tea, two canisters of instant coffee (nescafe), and a box of corn flakes.

 **Unclassified:** What the hell is going on with the walls in David Acum’s house? Every surface is… covered in magazine clippings? Who _does_ that? Or is that just really awful wallpaper?

 **Noggin count:** Zero.


	6. The Settling of the Sun

So.

This. Episode.

I don't know what to say about it.

My method for writing these things is to listen/watch-in-passing-while-cooking/laundry/dishes/etc to the episode three or five times, and watch it all the way through at least twice. And this one grew increasingly painful each time. I am now _done_ with this lurid, confusing, unpleasant ep and doubt I'll watch it again. I really

*slump*

 _really_ disliked the writing. Plot holes as wide as a croquet mallet, and far too many lines felt far too labored. Clumsy. Or just utterly silly. "I was made barren by my fear!!" "I think he hated himself for bearing the scars of Christ's suffering." *eyeroll* 

  


So. I'll do my best.

 **I'm grateful:**  
That these aren’t reviews, as such, and that the categories-for-comment I’ve already established are a) fluid, and b) essentially shallow, so I feel no responsibility to actually _review_ this thing.

 **Deaths:** 4: three murders and one heart attack.

 **Favorite music:** Chopin's [Opus 10, Piano Etude No. 5](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pyqLbi2wLU).

 **Signs of the 80s times:** 1\. That Chopin came from a cassette tape in Morse's car. 2. Lewis admitting he didn't feel sorry for the murdered man "if drugs is what he was into." 3. The plot. "WWII Revenge Tragedy" might be stretching the point, but not much.

 **80s fashion:** 1\. Kurt Friedmann's white leisure suit and gigantic wire-rims. 2. The gorgeously awful striped coach upholstery. 3. Alex Robson's fab sleeveless jumper. 

**Guest stars:** Tim Barker ( _All Creatures Great and Small, Adrian Mole, Jim Henson's The Storyteller, Dr.Who, Jeeves and Wooster, the Piglet Files, Cadfael, As Time Goes By..._ ) and Llewellyn Rees ( _Dr. Who, Dickens of London, Another Country, Withnail & I, A Fish Called Wanda, Jeeves & Wooster..._)

 **Things I found to like:** Consistently interesting cinematography. Vivid colors. Robbie idly playing with billiard balls. The hilariously callous, sarcastic, mustache-twirling baddie Sir Wilfred Mulryne. People playing croquet in uniforms. (I didn't even know croquet uniforms were a thing.)

 **John Thaw eye candy:** Morse leans on his car while waiting for Jane Robson after her father's funeral. I normally don't notice cars at all- like at _all_ \- but Morse leaning on that red jag is a thing of beauty.

 **Unexplained spooky thing:** The swinging heavy-bag in the college gym. Why is the heavy-bag swinging? We will never know.

 **Drug of the week:** DRUGS!!  
_Morse:_ "I am not happy when drugs are involved. It's too many motivations, too wide, too obvious. All sorts of people."

 **Pints drunk on screen by Morse:** 2: one in a beer garden with Lewis under a blue-and-white striped umbrella, and one while sitting on his living room floor with his records.

 **Bonus 1:** The toddler in the beer garden who walks over to Morse and Lewis and smiles at them while fetching her panda plushie.

 **Morse & Lewis relationship exposition:**  
_Morse:_ "I can't handle drugs. I can't work out why they do it. It's beyond me."  
_Lewis:_ "Oh, come on. You know. People, kids... down, sometimes, I s'pose. Same reason why you drink beer."  
_Morse:_ "Beer is food."  
_Lewis:_ "It is with you."  


**Morseverse continuity that Morse fails to mention to Lewis, but which failure is completely in character. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. Fight me:** "You see, a long time ago I was heavily dosed with LSD by force. It was horrific and I've never really recovered."

 **Number of times someone said the word “drug(s)”, yes I counted:** 20\. **Twenty.** _DRUGS._

 **It continues:** _1\. The crosswords_ are integral to the episode. A xenophobic plot point. _2\. The squeamishness_ is everywhere.

 **It does not continue:** _The name._ No sign of a "Just call me Morse." 4/6

 **Morse's Woman of the Week:** Oh, I am DEFinitely counting Jane Robson. I mean apart from the fact that in the recent past Morse wanted to be involved with her (but of course she didn't and was, in fact, just using him (Morse, honey...)), you don’t get to have that much drama in your life and not be a mwow. You don’t get to plot a murder and then yourself be rescued at the last minute from being murdered, and still somehow _avoid_ being a mwow. NOPE.

**Morse being Morse:** 1\. "The most suspicious thing of all is an excellent alibi."  
2\. "I often cry at concerts, don't you?" 

**Max being Max:** "You have the advantage of me. I apply science."

 **Lewis being Lewis:** No dice. Lewis is wasted in this one. 

**Bonus 2:** Wait a minute. Is that Max... peeing? while talking to Morse and Lewis about the murders?

 **Number of times Lewis mentions his wife/kids/family:** Zero.

**Queer stuff:** CS Dewar's puzzling remark to Morse and Max when Dewar comes to inspect the latest crime scene. The [Morse Scripts website](https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=inspector-morse-1987&episode=s02e03) claims he said: "What is it? Gays? Suicide? Is usually is." But, like, that's not how the actor delivered the line. I honestly don't know what he's supposed to be saying, but it really sounds like he's addressing Morse and Max with "What is it, gays?", which I realize is unlikely, even nonsensical, but I can't hear it as anything else. What the heck _is_ he saying?

 **The Let's Just Agree To Ignore How Silly This Is, Shall We?:** Everything about Climactic Scene Number One is just so, so wrong:

_Someone's murdering Jane! Pound on her office door! Wait we need something heavy to knock in the door what can we- Oh hello convenient giant fire extinguisher right here on the hall floor! Okay, we're in! Lewis, sitrep!_

_Sir! Two bodies on the floor and lots of blood, Sir!_

_Right! Now do NOT call emergency services! You sit quietly in that chair there while I monologue the solution to this ridiculous series of crimes. No, no, Jane's fine, it was just a little strangling, she can crawl over here to me while-_ Fuck it I'm sick of even talking about it now.

 **Noggin count:** Zero.


	7. Last Bus to Woodstock

In stark contrast to chapter 6, _this_ episode is a thing of layered, difficult, nuanced beauty. Okay Morse team, you redeemed yourselves.

There is a _lot_ to unpack in this one, about the ways men treat women, and one another, and women treat themselves, and men, and one another, and men treat themselves... But I'm not the right person to unpack it. Less because it depresses me that it's possibly even more sharply topical today than it was thirty years ago, and more because I'm certain I couldn't do it justice. Especially in this brief, irreverent, not-a-review format. Suffice to say every character is flawed and human and morally ambiguous, and the men run the gamut from casually patronizing to unrepentantly rapist.

 **Deaths:** One.

 **Colin Dexter cameo:** At the Wilmot lecture, sitting behind Morse and Angie.

 **Guest stars:** Holly Aird ( _Flame Trees of Thika, Seal Morning_ ), and Fabia Drake ( _Pallisers, Jewel in the Crown, Miss Marple, a Room With a View_ ) who, as Mrs. Jarman, annihilates all previous competition for the title of Most Entertaining Guest Star So Far. It is a damn dirty shame that we didn't get a scene where Mrs. Jarman interacts with Max. 

**Favorite music:** Whatever that slide-guitar piece was that played while John Sanders bought his new snooker cue.

 **Named pubs:** The Fox and Castle. (Bit too easy in this one, since that's where the death happened.)

 **Drug of the week:** Gin and tonic, which is named no less than five times. Sylvia Kane had two in her stomach when she died, Peter Mueller both ordered and made them, Lewis says that if the yuppies in the pub become regulars they'll drive up g&t sales, and while it isn't specifically named, the drink Max fixes himself at the Crowthers' could easily have been one. 

**Times Lewis mentions his wife/kids/family:** Three: 

**1.** Oh, right, it's _this_ episode. Lewis' first mention of his family is the reason I've never followed the fandom convention of calling his son "Mark":

_Lewis, holding a photo in Clive Palmer's office:_ "Your wife and children, Mr. Palmer?"  
_Palmer:_ "Oh, yes. Mark's eight and Alison's just six."  
_Lewis:_ "I've two of me own."  
_Palmer:_ "Keep you busy, don't they?"  
_Lewis:_ "Oh, I wouldn't be without them."

If Lewis' son were named Mark, I just can't imagine him not mentioning it during that exchange.

**2.** This beautiful piece of dialogue with Morse, which I'm also counting as  
**Morse and Lewis Relationship Exposition, Morse Being Morse,** and **The Sad Men:**

 _Morse:_ "This is becoming a very irritating case. Murder or accident, one assailant or two, man or woman... Ughhh. Go home, Lewis. See your wife, kiss your children."  
_Lewis:_ And when I get home she's at the end of her tether; she's said to the kids 'You'll get a smack off your dad when he gets in'. I'm like the public executioner in my house."  
_Morse:_ "'My house'? It belongs to both of you, doesn't it?"  
_Lewis:_ "Our house, then."  
_Morse:_ "That's the trouble, isn't it? Men think they own everything: property, families, the women in their lives..."  
_Lewis:_ "I don't _own_ me wife."  
_Morse: _"Well you talk as though you do."__  
_Lewis:_ "It was just a slip of the tongue."  
_Morse:_ "Ah."  
_Lewis:_ "It's easy for _you._ "  
_Morse:_ "Really?"  
_Lewis:_ "You know what I mean."  
_Morse:_ "Because I live on my own, you mean?"

**3.** The third dovetails neatly with both **Pints Drunk on Screen by Morse** (2 total) and **Lewis Buys the Pints:**

_Morse reads aloud from Wilmot's 'The Debt to Pleasure' as Lewis sits down beside him, handing over the pint he just purchased and tucking into his own orange juice:_ "'As trees are by their bark embraced, love to my soul doth cling.' Is that how you feel about your wife, Lewis?"  
_Lewis:_ "Not... exactly."  
_Morse:_ "You disappoint me."

Robbie's grin lingers and he tilts his head a bit, considering. It's subtle and lovely and I can just hear him thinking that bachelor Morse has no conception of what a _complex_ pleasure marriage is.

**Lewis being Lewis:** Declaring Max's autopsy report "mildly interesting". 

**The sad men:** "In Rochester's time they used to make condoms out of leather. Protect themselves from the pox. Nothing changes much, does it, Lewis? Is sex more trouble than it's worth? I keep wanting to find the answer."

 **More Sad Men:**  
_Angie:_ "Do you read a lot of poetry?"  
_Morse:_ "Yes."  
_Angie:_ "How odd."  
_Morse:_ "We're an endangered species."  


**Morse fighting back at my heavyhanded Sad Men category:**  
_Mrs Kane:_ "You got any kids?:  
_Morse:_ "No."  
_Mrs. Kane:_ "You married?"  
_Morse:_ "No."  
_Mrs. Kane:_ "D'you get on alone?"  
_Morse:_ "Yes."

 **Morse's Woman of the Week:** Oh, let's count Angie Hartman just for fun. Just because the episode is all about the social consequences of the power imbalance between men and women, and Morse and Angie got to chatting about Spenser and Wilmot and she invited him to a lecture, and he accepted, and they _went._ And because Angie's housemate Mary Widdowson assumed when she met Morse than he was Angie's date.

**Max being Max:**  
_Max:_ "I know about dead bodies. How people die. Not... "immortality".  
_Crowther:_ "Doesn't it frighten you?"  
_Max:_ "Nah. More a source of curiosity. You can develop quite a relationship with a corpse; taking it apart, examining it minute detail."

 **Such excellent additional Max content this ep:** You know, Max is an affectionate fellow. He brings his niece a bouquet of flowers, and then goes into the sitting room to see her husband where he huddles up close behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder as they discuss the possibility of an afterlife.

So. Max has a niece called Margaret (whom he addressed as "Marge" at the dinner table) who looks late-40s-ish in the late 1980s, which means she'd have been late-20s-ish in the late 1960s.  
*looks pointedly at Endeavour team*  
*taps wristwatch impatiently*

**The I'm Not Sure That's _Entirely_ Plausible:** 1\. So... Do I have this right? John Sanders had the cojones to steal cash from the body of a girl he was supposed to be having a date with while she was lying dead on the ground (and, in his words, blood was bubbling from her mouth), and then went back into the pub and vomited. Because he was so traumatized. 

2\. 18-year-old partygirl Sylvia Kane went to an ironmonger's (which I assume is a synonym for DIY shop/hardware store) for _curtain hooks?_ Someone in that situation was... lying?

 **It does not continue:** The name. 4/7.

 **80s fashion:** 1\. Jennifer Coleby's fluffy perm. 2. Clive Palmer's dark shirt with the all-white collar, and just when I'd managed to forget about them, too. DAMN you, Palmer. 

**Signs of the 80s times:** 1\. Lewis noting that Sylvia and her mother were a "single-parent family." 2. Angie's tutor Prof. Mueller complaining about her handwriting, because unless it was your thesis, all your schoolwork would generally have been done _by hand._ 3\. Morse complaining about yuppies in the pub. 4. The vintage, hand-stamped date-due slip in Jennifer Coleby's library book.

 **Queer stuff:** Couldn't find any, unless you count Max's offhand remark "Thank heaven for maiden aunts." Oh, I do, Max. I do.

 **Bonus:** Believe it or not, the copy I watched is a dvd-transfer of a vhs recording that my parents made off PBS when it was originally broadcast. Which means two things: a) the picture and sound quality are abysmal, and b) a tiny snippet of the Mystery! host was preserved. I'd forgotten who it was, at the time. And I'd like to kick off 20-bi-teen by exhorting us all to never forget what an absolute bicon Vincent Price was.

 **Noggin count:** Zero.


	8. Ghost In the Machine

Oh dear. Please tell me I didn't spend a big chunk of my youth being an insufferable prescriptive grammarian because of bloody _Morse_.

*thinks*

No. No, I was already that way. Morse was just SAME HAT.

This episode of _Inspector Morse: Not a Review_ is brought to you by the letters Classism and Xenophobia, and by the number Snobbery.  


Series 3! Time for a re-fresh! Apparently this ep was first broadcast on January 4th, 1989, which is quite close to exactly-30-years-ago. *adjusts bi-focals and shawl*  


**Deaths:** 2\. Gonna spoil ya: A murder to cover up the blackmail of someone who was fake-robbed to cover up his fake-murder to cover up his fake-suicide to cover up his _real_ murder.

 **Guest stars:** Patricia Hodge ( _Rumpole_ ), Patsy Byrne ( _Blackadder_ ), Lill Roughley ( _Mulberry_ ).

**Morse's lexical fripperies:** Footling, flummery, flim-flam. 

**Morse & Lewis relationship exposition:**  
**1.** _Morse:_ "Restored, of course. Look at that window."  
_Lewis:_ "All that stonework. Must take months to do the pointing."  
_Morse:_ "You're not a bloody _mason_ , are you?"  
_Lewis:_ "No such luck. I might have been a chief inspector by now if I was."  
_Morse:_ "'Were', Lewis. If you 'were'. You'll never get on if you can't master your subjunctives. Keep touching your forelock, we may be back in Oxford before lunch."  
_Lewis:_ "Shouldn't that be 'might'?"

 **2.** _Lewis:_ "See, the problem with Morse is, he always wants things to be so complicated, when they're not!"  
_Morse:_ "Only because they're even _more_ so."

 **Morse being Morse:** "Oh, I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to _think_ , sir. Not in an Oxford college. But as I was telling the master, I do _imagine_."

 **Lewis being sexy af:**  
Lewis tries to bust open the attic door. Fails.  
Morse, all impatience, takes over. Also fails.  
While Morse is trying, Lewis pulls out his pocketknife and jimmies the window latch quick as you please. And then _grins_ at Morse, all smug.

**Max being Ma-** ... what? 

*blinkblink*

WHAT?!

Oh god.

I'm not sure I can...

...go on...

...without...

You remember when Oz left Buffy early in the fourth season? Yeah. I kept watching, all the way through the series finale, but I never got over it. I loved Tara, but I still miss Daniel "I mock you with my monkey pants" Osbourne.

But on the other hand, I fell for Charmingly Awkward Dr. Russell Locum Pathologist pretty much instantly.

 **Times Lewis mentions his wife/kids/family:** Four:  
**1:** "My wife wants to go to _Cats._ Dunno why, she's allergic."  
**2:** "It's my favorite, plum duff. Me wife just doesn't make it like me mam did, though."  
**3:** _Russell:_ "I did three years as a houseman- uh, person- at Newcastle General." _Lewis:_ "Never! That's where my first kiddie was born!"  
**4: Lyn Lewis gets her name.** _To Morse about Russell:_ "She did all her training in Newcastle, at the General where our Lyn was born." (Goodbye, Louise. We hardly knew ye.)

(And I'll take this opportunity to supply all of you with the irrelevant information that I was once (very briefly) a patient at Newcastle General. I fell in a hole while hiking and hurt my hand, and Newcastle had the nearest NHS hospital. They were very kind and fixed me right up with a splint, paracetamol, a digital copy of my x-ray, and a nice cup of tea. I spent the rest of the trip muscling my 40-lb. backpack on and off with one hand, and count myself very lucky. That hole could have been the end of my hiking adventure.)

 **Pints drunk on screen by Morse:** 1, in Mrs. Parker's pub, with Lewis.

 **Pints _not_ drunk on screen by Morse:** 1, two minutes later, because he found Mrs. Parker's "social envy" so distasteful. 

**It continues:**

_1: Morse hurries Lewis away from food/drink:_ Twice in this episode. Lewis hadn't got through his coffee-and-ginger-biscuit when Morse tutted at him to come along, and was in the middle of his lunch pie when Morse yanked him out of the pub.

 _2: The acrophobia:_ Morse sends Lewis out onto the roof of Hanbury Hall to look for clues, and scoffs when Lewis suggests Morse could go out and check for himself.

 _3: The crosswords:_ Lewis to Lady Hanbury: "He does the crosswords, Ma'am. Knows all sorts of words nobody ever uses."

 _4: The Music Snobbery:_ Morse: "That, Lewis, was Maria Callas."  
_Lewis:_ "Was it from _Cats_?"  
_Morse:_ "NO, It most certainly was _not._

 _5: The Name. It's back._  
_Russell:_ "What's your name?"  
_Morse:_ "Everyone just calls me Morse."  
_Russell:_ "They told me you wouldn't say."  
_Morse:_ "They were right."  
5/8. 

**John Thaw eye candy:** Running up the steps of Hanbury House two at a time.

 **80s fashion:** Georgina's white, velcro sneakers. Michelle's white denim jacket.

 **Signs of the 80s times:** Julius Hanbury's "Stop trying to blackmail me" letter to Roger Meadows was printed on continuous-feed printer paper. From his home computer. Over which Robbie kept fawning.

 **And the Overdrama Award goes to:** It's a tie, I'm afraid, between Professor Ullman, for "I shall fight you to my dying breath!" and Dr. Hudson, for "Edward knows more about 15th-century Flemish painting than anyone else in the _world._ "

 **Unclassified:** Tea.  
_Morse:_ Indian. Just a little milk.  
_Lewis:_ "Anything that's going". Milk and two sugars.

 **Bonus:** Why is John Thaw so goddamn hot in this episode whyyyyyyy 

**Noggin count:** Zero.


End file.
